Some crazy crap stuffs

I had a mix of good and bad times last month. Or I should correct it saying it as a long story which ended up in a very disgusting note! I want to share it with you all. It may sound silly to a few of you, but yes, such disgusting things do happen!

Before that I need to give a name to the hero of the story. Let’s call him Mr: FF. A typical flirt in his words, but he spoke to me frankly (I still believe so!), whenever we were together. Every time he came and sat near me, talking to me about him, his friends, his previous jobs, his alcoholism (We used to talk about everything under the sun very openly), I listened to him with all my heart. Slowly I started feeling a friendly bondage between us. Even though he used to tell me that he loves 'flirting' with girls I never felt he 'flirted' with me, as he always spoke in a truly matter-of-fact fashion.

Gradually I started feeling that he can become a good friend of mine, someone beyond the usual ‘hai-bye’ relations that I have had in my city life. You may ask me the reasons that lead me to such a conclusion. Nothing much, it’s basically his frankness (as I said I still believe him, unless and until I see something the other way, before me.).

After having a few bad experiences in choosing friends, I wanted to take a slow step, and wanted to know what is in Mr:FF’s mind. So I told him very frankly about my wish. He replied that he doesn’t trust his emotions and the way he may handle the relationship with me later on. He feared that he may take a bad move that may spoil our friendship, and hurt me. I assured him that such things won’t happen and I am matured enough to know my limits. But as he had such a strong fear I withdrew from that attempt, and was ready to maintain the good relationship that I had with him. I felt so proud that he told things openly and was so happy that he told me things clearly and was so happy about the fact that he doesn’t want to hurt me through any bad moves from his side.

I started behaving normally from the next day, but I noticed that he was trying keep away from me. All that started with a silly joke that I cracked in front of him and a few other friends. Taking that as a reason he started staying away from me and behaving rudely. Both of us used to say even worst jokes before, but neither of us bothered to take things to heart.

In the beginning I thought that it was my bad joke that made him move away from me. I told him sorry for what I said, but his reply was shocking, wanna know?

‘Get lost you *****.’

Yes! Exactly the same words!

I was struck dumb; absolutely speechless for a moment when I saw these words in my chat window. When I regained myself from the shock I felt tears rolling down my eyes; yes I was about to cry. I still don’t know why, but those words literally pierced my heart.

I tried talking to him a few more times and yet there was no change in his behavior. Slowly I stopped my attempts as I used to get badly insulted, whenever I tried talking to him.

Gradually both of us started behaving like strangers, and this became a hot topic between the people who know us. Many came up with questions, but I didn’t reveal anything. Finally a mutual friend of ours asked me the reason and I had to literally omit the truth. She later asked him the reason why he is behaving oddly towards me, giving people a chance to cook up stories. The answer that he gave her was absolutely disgusting and silly. He told her that he doesn’t want me to feel some crush for him, and hence felt like staying away from me!

It was a shock for me! The guy who had frankly admitted two weeks before this incident, that he was feeling attracted towards me, had turned out perfect gentlemanly before our mutual friend, making me an ugly face before her.

But lucky I was, as our mutual friend could see my frankness and the pain that I was undergoing, very clearly from my eyes.

Sadly I closed the chapter with a bad note! At times people are not what they seem!

Donno why, but I still want to take Mr: FF as a good person, and may be some unavoidable circumstances might have made him say that.

He is still walking around me with his bag of pride, and as I am getting used to it I don’t give much attention to him these days.

Just bad dream which I know I can forget soon! Yes, I want to conclude with such a note! With such a hope!

Who am I?

Who are you? Define Anjana? When Shirley came up with this question yesterday I was literally speechless. I was not able to give her an answer. To be frank I'm still pondering what it really means! How to define myself! To be frank I had never thought about this question before and was not able to get the right path of thoughts.

I have to admit that till now someone or the other channelized my thoughts, whether to right or wrong. Whether it injured me or not I always danced according to those tunes. I won a few in my life, but lost many, including a heart that’s now cold & hard, well set to have any number of unpleasant incidents. Career, relationships, money and all other things; I never opened my eyes and looked at them. I always tried to see it through my past. But now I strongly feel that this process of self-discovery, understanding and acceptance will surely help me to get out of the entire crisis that I have been carrying throughout. Now I am taking time to look within and understand me, rather than persistently focusing on what I was without, what I was denied or what I lost.

‘How are you?’ we ask this question a thousand times daily. But no one would ask ‘WHO am I?’ to him/her. When Shirley asked me yesterday it was like a hard slap on my face. Seriously speaking, I had never thought about it till now. To be frank so many questions arrive at my doorstep, about the people I dealt with, the decisions I made; innumerable number of questions I should say. Somehow or the other I am here now, but when I deeply think about this question and try to understand me more I see a new Anjana before me. I feel as if I was just trying to become someone or something throughout these years that I think would have made me happy. I tried stepping into jobs & friendships that were not satisfying me. My eyes were totally veiled by a mirage like ambiguity till now, not really knowing who I am.

Well, to know ‘Who I am?’ I think I should first know ‘Who I am not?’ Because I now feel that I am not what I do mostly in life these days or who other people want me to be.
The answer to ‘Who am I?’ is coming out with the distinctiveness in me; what makes you happy? What excites me? What scares me? What makes me feel lively inside? Who am I when no one else is around me?

I am trying to peel out the back layers to get the real me inside it. The layers include what I was told to be, who I believed I should be, the false personas that I developed, either to tackle or to cover-up my unpleasant experiences.

I know that this is not easy, as the process of becoming clear is like a course that never ends. The dead and decayed layers have to go from me to make me clearer. This blog is my first step to start self discovery.

I am gonna start with the small tip that I got yesterday from her. She said to write about me sincerely just like how we do in slam books. I am gonna write about me, my likes and dislikes, to know my core qualities that make me unique. I know that it is not as easy as I write SEO works, yet I have gained the determination to do that at any cost.

I am planning to spend some time on this exercise for the next few days and see what the outcome is. I know very well that self-discovery is timeless. But I am not planning to beat my head up against the wall to figure out what I want and how to get it. I am gathering the potential to be patient to set my intention to find more about me!

I am giving up my greatest addiction

To give up something that we love the most, is very difficult, and rather challenging. One such was my addiction to coffee that our ‘chaya cheettan’ brings (Though he brings coffee more than tea, we call him ‘chaya cheettan’, (for the non natives- chaya in Malayalam means tea) for reasons unknown.).

In the beginning I didn’t have much interest in the grotesquely bitter taste of the coffee, as I was a tea lover. But slowly I started finding it difficult to survive without coffee.

Yes, caffeine, the magic potion that made me do innumerable things at a time, without getting tired, was slowly overpowering me.

Usually we get the coffee by 12 noon, as ours is the last session of his journey throughout the city. So the coffee comes just half an hour before our lunch. I fell madly in love with that coffee and was slowly getting addicted to it. The addiction became clear when I couldn't have that cofee, as he didn't turn up with coffee one day. I started feeling restless and uneasy, a kind of‘withdrawal symptom’ I should say. This got repeated for a few more times, whenever he didn’t turn up, making it clear that the coffee was overpowering me. The funniest part of the story is that, I have this irritation only when I am in the office, and not at home, or in the hostel.

So on one fine day, I took the boldest decision to stop coffee. I was sure that it would be the most difficult task, as I was addicted to a-coffee-a-day habit, and had this as a part of my life for almost one and a half years. The lovely aroma of the coffee that ‘chaya chettan’ brings had thus almost seduced me by that time. As I said I rarely bother about it when I am at home. It’s a working day syndrome.

The very next day when ‘chaya cheettan’ came with a tray full of cups of coffee I purposefully ignored it. If I look at them my hands will involuntarily rise to take up one from them. He served the coffee to all my colleagues and left. I watched him going out and felt upset. Yes, the withdrawal symptoms were slowly rising in me. I tried to concentrate on my work, but headache and irritation persisted the whole day, and I just managed to do the work and reached hostel soon and had my tea.

The symptoms were much less the next day.

Gone cold turkey literally, as it’s my Day 5 without coffee and seems I have tried to overcome my withdrawal symptoms to a considerable extend.

The headaches and irritations at the beginning were so bad, but now, a kinda ok. I drink water or have some fruits at the coffee time, and satisfy myself, while the others have the yummy coffee… But no more nightmarish nasty consequences of caffeine dear guys...…

Verbal Wounds

I read a really wonderful story and thought of sharing it with you all. I saw it in a blog, and don't know where this story is actually taken from.

People knowingly or unknowingly blurt out so many things, and just don't think about the impact those impulsive words have on the listener, about how the words will be perceived. Here is a simple example. I told one of my best friends today that I dreamt yesterday of going for night drive. His response came so soon, without the completion of the sentence, “Just go and stand by the side of any of the major roads, and smile at any guy who comes along that way. You will surely get a free drive". I really felt so bad hearing his comment. I had not even completed my sentence, and was about to say that I will surely go one day with my future partner. But he blurted out his comment before that. This is just a simple example of certain impulsive comments that leaves a wound most of the time

Here is the story

THE STORY OF A BAD TEMPERED BOY

There was once a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day, the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily, gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence...

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all... He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can't put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A VERBAL WOUND IS AS BAD AS A PHYSICAL ONE".

Time for a break!!! Thanks to the cramps!!! (lol)

A day without any tensions, I had a very happy time on Monday. A whole day without my PC and cell phone, a very happy non-online world, I badly wanted that, to get rid of the exhaustion that I had, after putting a hell of toil on my recent projects. Moreover the menstrual cramps were just killing me!!!

I crawled out of my bed only at 8 in the morning, had my coffee and breakfast, and came back to my room soon. The first thing that I did was changing my phone to silent mode. Actually I wanted to switch off my cell phone, but didn’t want my mom to get worried, and hence chose ‘silent mode’ as the best option. I had a book with me, but didn’t feel like hurting my eyes. They badly needed rest for a day. My roommate left by 9 am. I closed the door and jumped back to my bed. I felt so happy, even though I was alone, coz I was free of deadlines, at least for a day. I slept till 12.30!!! Yes, no one who knows me would believe this! But I really did! Getting sound and restful sleep for three hours is really great. That even took away my menstrual cramps and I felt absolutely fresh afterward.

The cleaning staff came by 12.30 or else I would have slept half an hour more. (lol).

After lunch I thought of going out for a walk, but the scorching heat wiped out that idea from my mind. What next? Well, I didn’t want to sleep again. Yes, the book, I thought of reading it and was about to take it, when my friend came in to my room. She had gone to attend her exam. We had a nice time together and talked about some interesting topics. By four I went to the mess hall to have my tea, and she went back to her room. I came back with a cup of tea for her. While she had her tea I had some snacks that she offered, luckily some of them were my true favorites like tea rusks.

My roommate came back by 5.30 and was surprised to see me fresh and lively, as she thought I would have felt really boring, being alone in the hostel. I told her that I had a wonderful day. She was very happy to hear that. I really had a nice time, no matter being alone or not. I did whatever I felt like, never had any restraints of any sort, and didn’t think of any of the disheartening things that occurred these days. I didn’t think about anything that had negative vibes. The whole day was just wonderful. It’s really good to take a break like this, as it refreshes our mind and body a lot. Thanks to Shirley for the idea!

I reached the office on time the next day, and everyone wanted to know the reason behind my sudden disappearance. I told my Branch Manager, that I had menstrual cramps, and she was fine with my answer. What about others? I didn’t give them the reason yet.

A long journey towards the worst

“I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma on June 23,” said a noted English actress recently in her blog. Another long journey, I thought. Yes, the long and worst journey that a person can ever have in life.

The deadliest of all the diseases that I have ever heard, I have seen quite a few cancer victims in my friends and family circle, and their extensive battle to beat the pain that the disease and the treatments give. The most tear jerking among them was the when dad’s mom was diagnosed with oral cancer. It was actually noted when we found a white patch (leukoplakia) in her mouth. She didn’t feel pain in the beginning and hence ignored the patch. But my dad understood that something was wrong and hence wanted her to meet the doctor soon. The doctor diagnosed her and confirmed my dad’s worst fears. That was the most horrible day in his life. I still remember how difficult it had been for him, to cope up with the fact that his mother is slowly moving towards death. We, mom, me and my sister, had absolutely no words to pacify him.

There started my grandma’s long battle, for almost one year and all that we could give her was just the painful chemotherapy. But she disagreed for it. She never wanted the painful chemo sessions and said a big blatant ‘NO’. We had to agree for it, and hence opted for a homeo treatment. The treatments took a tool on her making her wary day by day. Slowly she started having unbearable pain and the sore in her mouth started getting worst. Poor grandma, I still don’t know about the intensity of pain she has endured in those few months. During the final stages we had to give her high dose of medicines to alleviate the pain. Those stages were really heartrending and no one at home was in the state of mind to pacify each other.

My grandma died almost 6 to 8 months later.

Even though I had heard about similar cancer affected relatives from my mom’s side, grandma is the first (and wish to be the last) cancer patient that I had ever seen in life. Whenever I used to get in to her room, I always had a question in my mind, “Can god almighty be so cruel? Why did he give so much of pain to her?” I still think about it even now; but never get the reason why people get affected with diseases like cancer and suffer all the pains.

Wish someone had a magic potion to cure this disease!